faraashah:

if my husband doesn’t cry when he sees me on our wedding day I will softy kick him in the shin until he sheds a tear 

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guy:

it’s 2014 and having a valid and logical argument with your parents is still “talking back”

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moxiearien:

cresentmoon2000:

katiaobinger:

the true american experience is wondering if you just heard firecrackers or gunshots

PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS A JOKE

bonus points: both are illegal in your state and you still cannot tell

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didihearthereadyset:

didihearthereadyset:

didihearthereadyset:

didihearthereadyset:

I have a really hot waiter.

Guys he came back with my food and said, “Careful the plate is hot too.” So I asked, “too?” and hE TOUCHED MY SHOULDER THEN MADE A SIZZLING NOISE.
IM FREAKING OUT WHAT DO I DO.

image

wanna know what these all say?

"suck his dick"

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martininamerica:

Mozzarella does her best impression of a sausage.

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jinxley:

bambigraham:

jinxley:

my little sister officially turned 10 yesterday and because i’m in another state i couldn’t see her so i called instead to sing happy birthday and when i was done she whispered “gay” and hung up on me

is that the same sister who put her burned hand on your heart because ‘it was so nice and cold’

that would be the sister

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